Talk with Tish: How do I repair a damaged relationship?

Q: I'm an NQT in an Academy in Bristol. I have been teaching the same Year 9 class for almost a year now and despite my best efforts, there is one boy who I just cannot seem to remain positive with. He is at the lower end of the class in terms of attainment, and clearly struggles with the learning. In every lesson he starts off by distracting other pupils/shouting out in a fairly low level way, which I mostly deal with by using our school sanction system (demerit for shouting out etc.) but recently this has not been working at all and every lesson ends up escalating into him shouting at or being generally rude to me and storming out. His anger seems to be very much directed at me and he can be very verbally aggressive, which is making me quite upset and dreading teaching him. I am also very concerned that dealing with his behaivour and outbursts is taking up the majority of my time in lessons- rather than giving all the other pupils the attention they need. As I'm new to the school I'm feeling nervous about asking for help in case my mentor thinks I'm failing and it leads to more observations. What can I do?

A: Firstly, well done for asking for help. I know it can be very difficult to overcome the anxiety of being seen as 'weak' or incapable, espeically as a newly qualitified teacher. You certainly are not either of these things. The emotional reaction you're experiencing is normal and understandable, given that you probably care deeply about the children you teach. Your point about starting each lesson in the same way sounds as if he and you are both expecting this behaviour, and he's living up to these expectations. Be aware of getting into 'tit for tat' confrontations, especially in front of his peers, as this can be ultimately very shaming and as a teenager whose main concern is the respect of his friends and classmates. Can I ask what your relationship is like with this boy outside of lessons or learning time? It sounds as if he needs some reassurance that you do 'like' him as an individual (even if you might not feel that you do at this moment!). I developed the Jamie's Farm methodogy based on 'unconditional positive regard', and although it can be difficult to begin with, it is a very powerful way to foster positive relationships. We may not always like the behaviours somebody is displaying, but demonstrating unconditional positive regard means that they know that you will always respect them as a person. There is a solid foundation which means the relationship is never broken beyond repair. In reality, this can be hard to achieve in a very busy school environment with the pressures faced by both of you, and as you mention in your letter, he is not the only child in your class!  One way to foster this positive relationship without putting the burden entirely on you is to engage the whole class in respectful listening and regular praise of each other, after all, hearing this from their peers is often far more powerful than from an adult. Could you end each lesson with a 'shout out'- a child is nominated to praise another for something that they've said/done/acheived during the lesson?

Remember, you are doing a wonderful job - there will be many more challenges to overcome in your teaching career but by fostering and prioritising building positive relationships from the outset, you'll save yourself many hours of pain in the long run.